Pork Chops to Live For

Pork Chops to Live For

Beware the recipe that gives you a tiny picture. What is this? A pork chop for ants?!

Get it? Some people might say, "Oh, those are pork chops to die for!" But those people are idiots. These pork chops are so good they'll make you want to live again! One bite of these babies and you'll go from a jaded and heavily mascaraed Emo kid to feeling like you've been dropping E straight through since 2007. Christ Himself couldn't resist the pull of these chops, and after three days of heavy contemplation He heaved the boulder away from his tomb and went to market to ask the moneylenders if they had a used crockpot.

Yeah, well, not quite. Sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but if these pork chops are "living", then I need to rapidly re-evaluate my life choices. They're a little bit like being told you can grow up to be anything you want, then finding out your only job options at 31 are as a washroom attendant in a nightclub named "Ladeez".

It's not really like the taste was bad or anything; they were adequate. But I like it most when cooking feels like a form of alchemy: you take a bunch of sometimes disparate items, combine them in different ways in multiple containers of varying shapes and materials, apply heat, and hope you get gold. This was not at all like that. "Put pork chops in slow cooker. Add mushroom soup. Cook for six hours." BORING.

All the slow cooker pork chop recipes are like this, too. If you want to make pork chops in a slow cooker, this is what you're making. No exceptions. It's like that one aunt asking you how things are, and you can see the question of why you don't have kids yet coming toward you from somewhere off in the distance, but there's no way to avoid it.

Anyway. I made it, it was okay (like, I may have just severed my big toe on a jagged Mountain Dew bottle but I don't want my mom to worry so I told her I'm okay, okay), and I'm not making it again.

Recipe here, if you're cooking for someone who won't put the lotion in the bloody basket: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/24558/pork-chops-to-live-for/

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